A Hopeful Hurt

There are times in our lives when hurt rushes in like a tidal wave. We may be standing in the calm of the ocean playing with our water toys when a monumental wave sneaks up behind us catching us so off-guard that there is no time to run for cover. It crashes over us taking us down to the bottom of the ocean floor struggling to orient ourselves to our surroundings.  We try to gasp for air to live but we are quickly reminded that to breathe in the depths of the water will kill us. So, we hold our breath just waiting to come to the surface for air to live.  When we rise to the surface, we are still disoriented not knowing what happened and how to release ourselves from this wave.

Back in October, I was hit with that wave pushing me to pause in my writing. Interestingly, the last blog that I wrote before I took this break was EMOTIONAL HEALING AND THE RIVER THAT DIVIDES based on Joshua 1:9…

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

This statement was made to the people of Israel right before they were going to cross the Jordan River to a land of freedom and promise. God gave them two things that they were responsible for…BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS! In that fear will be gone and discouragement will vanish. Then the responsibility of God is that He WILL BE WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO!

This wave has been one of the toughest and biggest waves I have treaded in my life. Waves of deep pain and hurt toss around me as I try to survive this. Within this wave is confusion and upheaval in life that has caused me to question every aspect of who I am and what God has called me to be. I have screamed at God using a voice of hurt and confusion that I am confident He understands.  I have been so angry with Him because He has yet to pull me out of this confusion and hurt.  My physical body has responded in way that I have never seen before. But in the depth of my hurt that continues to haunt me, I am reminded that God is in control.  He always has been, and He will always be.

Surrounding myself with friends who point me to Jesus at every turn has allowed their words comfort and remind me to face forward in my faith and to find peace knowing that when I stepped into that river of emotional healing to be strong and courageous.

Folks, I cannot tell you how far I am as I am crossing that river.  I can tell you that yesterday I felt as though I was drowning and that today I have come to the surface trying to grasp onto the promises of God.

Why do I tell you this story? Why do I feel the need for you to hear my own hurts? Because you also may need to hear today that GOD IS IN CONTROL! Maybe you need to be reminded of that truth. I have questioned God repeatedly in this feeling that He has lost control and has let me just drive through this chaos totally on my own. But because of my foundation of faith, I know that is not true. And you too need to know that! No matter what is thrown at you in life remind yourself that this is life here on earth…it is NOT life in eternity! We have a hopeful hurt. Because of our faith in a living God, we may lose all hope here on earth because of our hurt. But our hope is not resting on hope in this world.  Our hope is resting in our hope of eternity! I say that for your sake, and I say that also for me to remind us of that truth.  As believers, our hurt can be a hopeful hurt!

I want to leave you with some scripture that have been my rock in this.

First, I believe that in all our trials in life that we need to lean completely on the word of God.

A recent scripture on YouVersion paints the picture of “scripture dependence”…

              “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” Psalm 119:105 NIV

We want our path to be lit to show us what our next step in our trials and in life, but we will never find our way unless we turn on our lamp…open our Bible and read God’s word of enlightenment.

“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” John 14:13 NIV

This scripture was given to me at a point where I was so angry with God. I had begged and begged for Him to pull me out of this situation. I had literally been on my knees before Him to answer my prayer to release me. But to this day, it is a no. I am still in the throws of the wave. When I read this verse, I got stuck on the last phrase, SO THAT THE FATHER MAY BE GLORIFIED…!!! This hit me like a brick. I wanted out for my sake but not for the sake of God’s glory. God orchestrates and maneuvers situations that involve “yeses” and “no’s” for HIS GLORY and for His glory ONLY! I want out for the release of my pain but not for His glory. What if He will be glorified more and more with each day that passes? What if my pain must worsen for His glory to be heightened? Am I willing to do that?

“give thanks in all circumstances; for THIS IS GOD’S WILL for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:18 NIV

This is a tough one and to be honest has made me angry. How could it be God’s will for me to be in so much pain? And I have yet to give thanks for these circumstances. There has been a little bit of thankfulness along the way…it has drawn me closer in my marriage, it has drawn me closer in my dependence on God…but a flat out “Thanks God for all of this” has not reached my lips. I do know that the only thing I want for my life is God’s will.  I would never want anything less than that. So, I must choose to rest on following His will and trust that He will hold me in this.

“Though the mountains be shaken, and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor MY COVENANT OF PEACE REMOVED,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10

This was a verse on YouVersion the week my life crashed. The mountains in my life were shaken and the hills removed.  The foundation of my life and world were wiped out from beneath me with one stroke. I was fighting for peace in so many ways. At one point I sat in my car for hours in a dark parking lot wanting to run and never return. I needed God and I needed His peace that He promised. But I didn’t feel it that night. But I can tell you that I experienced His protection. Instead of running, I returned to my home and began the search for His peace. You see, sometimes peace is a search. I search for it every day. And when I reach the end of my day, I thank God that I made it through one more day.

Hopeful hurt…is it possible? Can we find it? I believe that we can. It does not come overnight or turn on like a light switch but when we seek hope, we will find it!

Love to my readers who are hurting!