Forgiveness Stinks

Yes, forgiveness is hard, and it stinks! I prefer the smell of unforgiveness personally.  It is a familiar and comfortable smell to me. It is so much easier to hold onto unforgiveness and just let it settle within me.  I know that it is harmful and causes a miserable life for me and for those around me, but I know how to navigate unforgiveness and the walls that it provides. Now, I wouldn’t admit to you nor to myself that I have an unforgiving spirit because I’m a bible believing Christ follower and unforgiveness does not fall into that job description. We are taught to forgive, to love our enemies; (last week’s blog); to turn the other cheek (I haven’t figured that one out yet, but I will let you know when I do). I was taught these things as though it should be an instantaneous response to a wrong suffered.  If I didn’t forgive within a millisecond of the offense, then I was more at fault than the person who had wronged me.  So, forgiveness carried this load of guilt for me therefore causing it to stink! I learned scriptures like the one below and it would just heap more guilt on me.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander…” Ephesians 4:31

Okay, I know I’m supposed to get rid of the bitterness and rage, but where in the heck do I put it.  Do I shove it under my bed or in my closet because I still feel as though it is there. I couldn’t figure out how to do this so quickly. So, I would put on a pious smiling face to convince others and myself that I had forgiven when in truth I just stuffed the bitterness and rage inside my shell of happiness.

I held onto the unforgiveness of my abusive father for 56 years.  Yes, I just turned 57 so you do the math. I would feel as though I had forgiven him to make myself and others around me feel better, but I knew deep within me that I hated that man for the damage he caused in my life.  Abuse is a hard thing to forgive.  People would kindly tell me that all I needed to do was to forgive him as though I had never heard that before. I would politely tell them they were right to make them feel good about themselves but walk away with no burden and no hatred lifted towards this man. It took the death of someone precious to me to face my unforgiving spirit.   Once I released that, I have never felt the burden since. It’s a great story of release, but I will have to tell you that later.

There have been many other people in my life who have required my forgiveness. Some are simple and easy, but some are hard making forgiveness stinky. One of those people is my husband.  Paul and I have had a pretty tumultuous relationship. Yep, pastor and pastor’s wive sometimes don’t get along very well.  I could go into all the reasons as to why this happens between us, but someone once told me to share your dirty laundry but not your dirty underwear. I can just say that difficult relationships are why we need a Savior…Jesus!

Covid played an ugly game in our marriage.  Neither of us had a release when things got rough or we needed to breath. We had been trapped within the same house month after month with only each other using our weapons of selfishness to tear one another down.

Our battle reached a peak a few months ago. I’m not exactly sure what made this battle any different from the hundreds of battles that had ensued over the past 34 years but trust me this one was different. The subject of the battle really didn’t matter as much as the outcome of the battle.

Needing to do something different to avoid the definition of insanity, I concluded that I had collected years and years of unforgiveness, and it overflowed with every word I spoke. I had taken every hurtful word said, every hurtful deed done and stuffed it deep within me.  I had grown comfortable in my misery of unforgiveness. If I let this go, I would have to learn to love him differently and I would have to look at me…and that was not easy! That is why forgiveness stinks!

I was hit hard with the truth of my unforgiving spirit. Even though forgiveness stinks, unforgiveness carried a far greater stench. As I began to process this forgiveness, I pictured a trashcan. I know, I picture weird things.  I pictured myself with my arms overflowing with dirty, smelly trash.  When I looked down, there was trash around my feet. I couldn’t step over it or sort my way through it.  It had literally stopped me in my tracks.  As I stood there trapped, I glanced over and saw a trashcan. It was completely empty. This trashcan was labeled FORGIVENESS.  

As I stood there, I saw trashcan after trash can with names of people in my life…my husband, my friend, my… As I looked down the row of trashcans, I saw some trash inside the cans but also saw bits and pieces of trash laying on the ground around the can.  It looked as though I had attempted to throw the trash away but missed.  The trash was so close to the can but until I picked it up and put it in the trash can, it was still unforgiven trash. Then I saw pieces of trash that I remember that I had thrown away.  But it was on the ground.  I must have walked over to the can and pulled it back out making it unforgiven trash again. You see, forgiveness is not a “one and done”. Friends, we can forgive and then “unforgive.” We can think it’s gone, but the stench from the wrong begins to seep back into the air so we go and take another look at it sometimes taking it back out of the trashcan to examine it again.

When my husband and I hit this wall in our relationship, I knew that I needed to throw this trash away.  I needed to walk up to the trashcan and place the hurts and the pain into the can one by one.  This needed to be a deliberate act on my part, not a half-hearted toss in the direction of the can hoping that I made it in.  It was piece by piece, hurt by hurt, pain by pain that needed to be placed within the can.

“…be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32

In my brokenness, I was reminded of Christ’s forgiveness of me.  Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice of Himself by offering his life for me.  As I thought of the countless things that Jesus had forgiven me for, I realized that He had forgiven me for my lack of forgiveness for my husband and others in my life. Standing with my arms filled with unforgiven trash, Jesus approached me. He reached out His arms offering to help me with my load of unforgiveness. Once released, we walked over to my empty trash can and threw it away. Hurt by hurt, pain by pain we put this trash of unforgiveness into the can. We then proceeded to pick up the pieces that had fallen to the ground. Once it was cleaned up and thrown away, He reminded me that there will be more trash as pains and hurts from life never go away. But if I can keep myself freed from the trash by placing it into the can, the unforgiveness that had so trapped my life would no longer bind me.

This past Thanksgiving as my husband and I were in the middle of our silence from hurt, we took a trip to see our son and his fiancée for the holiday. It was hour after hour of silence only speaking to communicate it was time for lunch or a bathroom break.  It was within that silence that God was working on my own life.  It was in this silence that He spoke to me about my empty trash can of forgiveness and I needed to throw my hurts away. It was in this silence that He reminded me of His forgiveness of me. We were on the last couple hours of our trip passing through town after town on the small roads in Louisiana when we drove past a trashcan sitting beside the road waiting for pick up. Since we weren’t speaking, I didn’t ask my husband to stop but wished that I had. The trash can that we passed was like no other trash can I had ever seen before.  This trash can was filled with flowers overflowing from the open lid.  As I looked out the window, my eyes began to fill with tears.  God was speaking to me telling me that when I throw away my trash of unforgiveness, my trashcan will bloom into something beautiful.

Yes, FORGIVENESS STINKS because it’s hard.

But unforgiveness stinks worse!