The Proverbs 31 Woman…LISTEN MY SON

The struggle to be the Proverbs 31 woman is real!!!

But have we created a struggle from scripture that was never intended by the writer or by God?

Our Christian culture has taught us to look at this passage of scripture as our measure. If we could achieve these attributes, then we would win the crown of noble woman getting us a better seat at the table.

Our hearts turn so quickly towards achievement/works and not grace. I have often read this passage as though it was a check list.  The guilt inside of me would cause me to get stuck.  I have been told through books, articles, and sermons that I am to be more like her.  I found myself so frustrated that I simply stopped reading it.

Our readers were also impacted by this blog last week so I would like to share with you some of their comments.  This is one of my favorites…

“I think the P31 woman is unattainable this side of heaven.  AND striving for perfection is a waste of time.  So much positive thinking and action is robbed from both women and men when we strive to meet unrealistic expectations.  I don’t think men are off the hook. I think you could substitute ‘husband’ and still see the unrealistic expectations.  ‘Who can find a virtuous and capable husband?” Mmmhmm. Double the pressure, double the trouble.”

              Thanks Julie!

Another reader stated,

“I used to greatly resent how she was portrayed as a do-it-all woman that set the bar ridiculously high.”

Thanks Jen!

One more reader stated,

              “I can never measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman, but Jesus will help me.”

Thanks Charlotte!

The way this passage has been presented has caused “unrealistic expectations”, has “set the bar ridiculously high” and made us to feel as though “ we can never measure up.”

Because of my own frustration with this passage and feeling as though we have placed too much emphasis trying to achieve her lists of characteristics, I decided to do a bit more research into the passage.  After reading other blogs (thanks Jen for the recommendation) and commentaries written on the passage, it led me back to my first assumption. This assumption lies once again in the context of scripture. The book of Proverbs is a difficult book in which to derive context simply because it is a book of poetry. Each poem has its own context therefore is not usually connected to one another.

There is a break in Proverbs 31 between verses 9 and 10 which leads you to believe that the subject has changed.  The first nine verses of this chapter are basically a recap from King Lemuel (we are not exactly sure who this character is) of the lessons that his mother taught him. Within the context of this advice, verse 10 leads with the question, “A wife of noble character who can find?” There is some confusion as to whether this is a continued conversation from verses 1 – 9, but nevertheless it still is within the context of King Lemuel’s advice from his mother.

In King Lemuel’s recap from his mom, he recalls her saying, “son, there are two things that will ruin your life…women and booze!” Some things will never change! “Stay away from the booze because it will affect your judgement as King.

As for women, don’t waste your strength on them (vs. 3). These are the two things that will mess up your kingdom.  And we all know that when you mix the two, you have a bigger mess to contend with.

After processing this advice from King Lemuel’s mom, we are then led to the question…

              “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?”

This is where we often go wrong in the interpretation of this passage.  As women, we immediately think that this passage is directed towards us.  But it isn’t.  It is directed towards men as a guideline for them as they search for a wife. Even though this passage is not directed towards us as women, we have taken this message and made it into a checklist for ourselves and for other women. Pastors have preached this sermon from stage as though women need to live their lives according to this check list.  We have sunk deeper into our own shame and guilt feeling the pressure to measure up.

If you’re out there men, this one’s for you. You should search for…

A woman who loves God…

              Vs. 30…”but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”

And a woman who loves her family…

              Vs. 27… “She carefully watches everything in her household.”

The passage finishes with…

              Vs. 31 “Reward her for all she has done.”

“Son, when you find this special woman in your life who loves God and loves her family, you need to tell her how wonderful she is and how grateful you are for her.  Tell her that she is one in a million!”

I am the mother of three boys who are now grown men. Throughout their lives, I have given them a similar message. “Son, there are two things that will ruin your life…women and booze!” But throughout their raising, I have tried to instill in them the importance of marrying a woman who loves God. We have talked about why that is important.

Here are some of the things that I have said to them…

“Caleb, Luke and Joshua…my heart’s desire for you is to find a woman who loves God first and foremost.  A woman who seeks Jesus for herself. A woman who lives her life to please God and God only.  In her love for God, she will then, in turn, know how to love you as you need to be loved.  She was not place in this world to serve you, but to compliment you. And you are to do the same for her.  You may see things in life differently throughout the years but try to learn to embrace those differences. Focus on Jesus together and it will all work out. Tell her often how blessed that you are.” – Love, Mom

To my precious daughter in laws, Sarah, and Elena…

“When I spend time with you, my heart is full.  Elena, I watch how you love your daughter with the fullness of a mother’s love.  I watch how you desire to be a woman who is strong and loves God. Sarah, as you will soon marry my son, I watch your love for him.  But most of all, I see your amazing love for God.  I watch both of you and see how deeply you love Jesus and how deeply you love my son.  But I also see how beautiful you are as women.  You are strong and wise and gentle. You are precious answers to a mother’s prayer.  I am blessed.” – Love, Momma Mel

To my readers, this passage was never meant to be a checklist for us as women.  Think of it as a letter from a mom to a son inspiring him to find a woman who will be worth far more than precious stones…a woman who loves God and loves her family! It’s as simple as that!

Girls, when we focus on those two things in our lives…loving God and loving our family…we will be the noblest of all!!!