As Mary continued to drive, the weight of non-existence bore down on her. Should she stop the car in hopes that someone will find her?
Looking through the rearview mirror, she longed to see a car in pursuit of her. But the mirror was empty.
With no where to go, she just kept driving.
What about Vashti?
Does she reenter the story?
Does she reunite with the king?
Is she mentioned again in the book of Esther?
No.
Throughout our fictional story of Mary (her story starts in part one of this series) and the biblical story of Vashti, we see two women who ask themselves the heart felt question…does anyone see me?
When I was a child, the abuse of my father pushed me to find safety in my emotional pain. My young mind searched for why I deserved this. As the emotional pain came bearing down on me, I would find myself taking shelter in the closet in my parent’s bedroom. As I shut the closet door, I would find myself curled up laying on the floor weeping. Those were deep moments of despair for me. Once the tears would exhaust my physical body, I would fall asleep. Looking back as an adult, I realize that I longed for someone to find me. Unfortunately, my sister and mother were trying to survive this abuse also so in their survival their ability to reach out to me were stifled. I wanted a knock on the closet door, I wanted someone to find me, someone to hold me, someone to tell me it was going to be okay.
My life reflects the fictional character of Mary and the real-life story of Vashti. When I first read this story from the bible, I knew immediately why I resonated with this queen. I, too, was kicked out. I, too, was pushed aside. I too was abandoned.
Does anyone see me?
Throughout my life, this has been my cry.
Many times, as women we are pushed and shoved into places of non-existence. We find ourselves hiding in a closet or pushed from our castle or on a lonely road driving in our car to escape this feeling of non-existence. But that feeling just nags at our soul until we believe we are not worthy to be seen. So, we survive in our non-existence.
There is one more woman in the bible that I want you to meet. This woman found herself standing at a well. Her story is also a story of obscurity. She is not one of the great women from scripture that you long to read or study. Her name is not written in the Hall of Faith. She was not an Israelite, one of God’s chosen people. She was a slave taken from her country of Egypt and bought by a nomadic wealthy couple. Working hard at her job, she became the maid servant to her master’s wife. Her name is Hagar.
In her obedience as a slave, she agreed to be a surrogate for her master’s wife, Sarah. Sarah was childless therefore disgraced as a woman. Because of Sarah’s lack of faith, she devised a plan to have her slave, Hagar, sleep with her husband, Abraham. Because Hagar was her slave and sworn to obedience, Hagar agreed. Because Sarah owned the slave, she would also own the child. In her mind, this was the perfect plan.
So, Hagar disgraced herself as a woman allowing her master to have intercourse with her, therefore becoming pregnant.
As she was pregnant, Hagar began treating Sarah with disrespect. The cycle of feud began between the two women ending with Sarah treating Hagar so harshly that Hagar finally ran away.
So, let’s get the picture here girls. There was no uber for Hagar to call or camel she could rent. The roads were dusty, and the sun was scorching. But because of this messed up situation between these two women, Hagar had to leave to save her soul and the life of her unborn child.
In the heat of the day, Hagar walked into her tent and gathered what little things that she had.
She knew that she had a long journey ahead of her and was trying to process where she was going to go. She knew in her heart that she would go back home…back home to Egypt.
As she stood there, she grabbed her waterskin and filled it with water. Then she grabbed a few small loaves of bread and put them in her sack. She slung the sack over her shoulders and stepped to the opening of the tent. When her feet touched the edge of the tent, she was taken over with fear. This fear was not just for herself; this fear was for her unborn child.
Her hand touched the small bump on her stomach and as her hand rested there, she felt the movement of her child for the first time. She knew at that moment; she had no choice. Survival in the wilderness was not for her own sake. It was for her child. She had to survive this!
As she made her way through the camp, no one said goodbye.
She was alone…all alone!
Continuing on this journey, her mind drifted to Egypt…the place where she was born and raised, the place of familiarity. But would they receive her back home? She was pregnant with her masters’ child. Would anyone want her?
It didn’t matter if anyone would accept her back in Egypt if she couldn’t make it alive.
Alive…how was she going to stay alive?
If she didn’t make it, then neither was her child. She has to make it…somehow, she has to make it!
So, the walking begins…
She had walked this path many times before to gather water for her master. This was a familiar path. She knew if she could make it to the spring near the road of Shur, she could gather her thoughts and make a more definitive plan. Having this shorter goal gave her hope. If she could just make it to the spring!
As Hagar’s feet grew weary, she approached the spring…
Hagar carefully removed her sheep skin sack holding all her belongings. As she laid the satchel on the ground, she carefully leaned her worn out body on a rock. When she was in a resting position, she slid her hand onto her stomach. As she did, she felt the undeniable truth that there was a human life growing inside of her.
Sitting in the quiet of the moment, she was able to breathe.
In the stillness, she heard a voice.
An angel of the Lord angel provided hope and comfort promising Hagar safety of her child and hope for life.
Resting by the well of water, Hagar gave God a name.
EL-ROI…the God Who Sees Me…
As Hagar rested at the well, she said…
“You are the God who sees me. She also said, ‘Have I truly seen the One who sees me?’” Genesis 1:13 NLT
This moment between God and Hagar was critical. In her despair, she needed to see God seeing her. Look closely at her last question…
“Have I truly seen the One who sees me?”
So much of our lives are spent with the knowledge that God does see us. But even though God’s eyes are open seeing every movement, every moment, our eyes remain closed. When our eyes are closed, we cannot see “the One who sees me”. We wander through life feeling lost and alone. We have the knowledge that God sees us, but we still traverse blindly.
It takes pausing at the well, being cast out of our kingdom, being pushed from our crowd, or lost on the closet floor for us to finally open our eyes and see the One who has seen us all along.
In your despair of abandonment, don’t just be comforted by the knowledge that God sees you. Open your eyes and see the One who sees you! Your life will never be the same!
I want to leave you with words to a song that encouraged me to come out of hiding of my own abandonment.
“Come out of hiding
You’re safe here with me
There’s no need to cover
What I already see…”
Stephanie Gretzinger Out of Hiding
As we end this series, I want to offer you the opportunity to share your story or ask for prayer from The Walk team. If you feel comfortable in sharing this, please send it to the email address below.
thewalk.edw@gmail.com
THE WALK 